If you have lived in the Lowcountry for any length of time, you know life can bring some tough storms. Sometimes those storms hit close to home, like a marriage falling apart, a job taking an unexpected turn, or old wounds rising up just when you thought they were settled. Not long ago, I sat with a man who was walking through one of those seasons, and his story is one I believe many folks around here quietly carry.
When Anxiety Feels Like It’s Running the Show
This client came into counseling completely overwhelmed. He was going through a separation in his marriage, and with that came a flood of racing thoughts. His thoughts would start first thing in the morning, follow him to work, build up during his free time, and rob him of peace when he tried to relax.
His faith in God had not disappeared, but he was wrestling. He wrestled with why this was happening, wrestled with guilt, and wrestled with his own sense of unworthiness and shame. He knew, in his head, that Christ died for him. But emotionally, he struggled to feel the comfort of that truth. When those hard feelings became too heavy, he found ways to avoid them. His way was staying focused on everybody else’s needs.
“Love Your Neighbor As Yourself” — But What About Yourself?
In one of our sessions, he quoted something every Christian knows from Matthew 22:39 and Mark 12:31:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
But each time he brought it up, he only talked about loving the neighbor. His focus was completely on serving others. Even sitting in counseling felt selfish. He carried this heavy guilt, believing that working on himself somehow made him a lesser Christian. It was as if caring for his own heart meant he was neglecting God’s call to serve.
Much of that guilt came from years of internalized messages that he was never quite enough. Shame has a way of twisting even the most beautiful parts of our faith into burdens we were never meant to carry.
What ACT Helped Him See
In our work together, we used several ACT tools.
- Acceptance helped him make space for painful emotions instead of stuffing them down or running from them.
- Defusion helped him see his thoughts as thoughts, not facts carved in stone.
- Mindfulness allowed him to stay anchored right where his feet were, not lost in yesterday or tomorrow.
- Self-as-context helped him see that his identity was not tied up in his worst thoughts or feelings.
- Values work helped him get clear on the kind of man, believer, and father he wanted to be.
As we worked, it became clear that his constant focus on others was sometimes functioning as an escape. Staying busy helping others kept him from sitting still with his own pain. It kept him from experiencing life.
The Moment Things Shifted
One day, after quoting “love your neighbor as yourself,” I asked him a simple question.
“How can you love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself?”
The room went quiet. You could feel the weight of that question land. After a few moments, he smiled and said,
“I never thought about that.”
In that moment, something shifted. For the first time, he saw that God’s call to love others was not about ignoring himself. It was an invitation to receive God’s love fully, and from that place, let it overflow into how he served others.
Faith and Works Like Two Wings of a Bird
As Christians, we believe we are saved by grace. But we also know that faith and works go together like two wings of a bird. Without both, we cannot fly the way God designed us to. Yet many of us live like we need to earn God’s love through constant doing, forgetting that His grace comes first and sustains us through all of it.
This client’s journey reminded both of us that receiving God’s mercy is not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process. It is allowing His love to heal old wounds, quiet old lies, and strengthen us to love both ourselves and others with humility and compassion.
Self-Compassion Isn’t Selfish
For many folks raised in the church, especially here in the South, self-compassion feels foreign. Sometimes it even feels a little dangerous. But true self-compassion is not selfish. It is seeing ourselves as God sees us. Broken, yes, but deeply loved. If we do not allow God’s grace to fill us first, we will not have much left to pour into others.
Like I often tell my clients, you cannot pour sweet tea for your neighbor if your pitcher is empty.
ACT and Faith Working Together
One of the reasons I love Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is because it works well alongside faith. ACT does not replace God’s truth. It helps people live more fully into it.
- Acceptance allows us to bring our struggles before God instead of hiding them.
- Defusion helps us untangle lies that sound true but are not.
- Self-as-context helps us rest in our identity as children of God, not as the sum of our failures.
- Values work gives us a path to live out our faith with integrity, even when life feels uncertain.
Final Thoughts: Let God’s Grace Start With You
If you are reading this and feeling those same tensions of anxiety, guilt, shame, or unworthiness, I want to encourage you. Therapy is not selfish. Working on your heart is not turning inward in a bad way. It is allowing yourself to be healed, so you can love others better.
“We love because He first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19
Looking for Christian counseling in Summerville, North Charleston, or Charleston areas?
At Summit & Flow Counseling & Mental Performance Center, I help people walk through life’s hardest seasons using clinical tools and a faith-based perspective. Whether you are facing anxiety, a life transition, or simply trying to make sense of where God has you right now, you do not have to walk through it alone.
